The Joke thread

[Stevencc]

I was going to watch American History X last night but I've not seen the first nine yet.

That's one of your own, isn't it?

 

[Stagat]

That's one of your own, isn't it?

No. It's really old!

Spoiler

I'm not the only one recycling it though.

 

[Cheese & Biscuits]

When I couldn't remember what 51, 6 and 500 were in Roman numerals I was LIVID...

 

[blade1889]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

 

[mpmbee]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

 

[Aberstone]

Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage and Nick Clegg resigned today. Wow, politicians resigning left, right and centre.

 

[blade1889]

Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage and Nick Clegg resigned today. Wow, politicians resigning left, right and centre.

Stole that, never had as many fb likes haha

 

[Aberstone]

Wanna talk about Sodium? Na

Nitric Oxide? NO

Oxygen Magnesium Phosphorus Iodine Sulfur or Flourine? OMg PISS OFF

...Potassium? K

 

[Red]

These jigsaw manufacturers must think we're stupid. I bought one the other day and it said 8-10 years on the box. I finished it in half an hour.

 

[Pliny Harris]

Two cows standing in a field.

One says to the other, "How about this mad cow disease, hey?"

Other one replies, "What do I care, I'm a helicopter"

 

[oakroader]

some women you just can't please....
I was in the back of the motor with a skanky old tart I'd not long met in the local boozer...
"do sumfink dirty to me" she begged..
so I shit in her in handbag.
jeeez!!!

 

[mistermagic]

Why do paedos like little girls? Coz they haven't reached bitch status yet.

 

[yellow]

I wish I spoke up at the start of this thread with all the bike puns.

 

[mistermagic]

What's a bitch on a diet?

A fat bitch.

 

[oakroader]

I wish I spoke up at the start of this thread with all the bike puns.

we'll have to frame this one

 

[oakroader]

stop peddling this shit

 

[Gilly?]

Handlebars.

 

[oakroader]

Handlebars.

get a grip pal

 

[Habbinalan]

I found out about a new approach to sex whilst browsing through the 1FFACAS thread. It's called the Plumbers Position.

You drink 8 pints of real ale, stop in all day and nobody comes.

 

[Cheese & Biscuits]

What's the most common blood group in Taiwan?

Taipei...

 

[Gilly?]

 

[Stevencc]

Three men are shipwrecked on an island where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.

They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your arse without any facial expression, and then you will live." The man tries but he winces after the third apple and was killed on the spot.

The second person comes back with 10 cherries and is told the same thing. He starts shoving them up his arse with no difficulty, but he starts laughing hysterically after the ninth cherry and is killed on the spot.

In heaven the two people meet, where the first person asks, "Why did you laugh, you could have gotten away?" "I saw the other guy come back with pineapples."

 

[Stevencc]

My wife has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh. If I put my ear to it, I can smell the ocean. How is this possible?

 

[nousername]

Just had yet another publisher turn down my autobiography.

Story of my life.

 

[claret50]

Jim stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here’.

 

[silkyman]

Three men are shipwrecked on an island where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.

They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your arse without any facial expression, and then you will live." The man tries but he winces after the third apple and was killed on the spot.

The second person comes back with 10 cherries and is told the same thing. He starts shoving them up his arse with no difficulty, but he starts laughing hysterically after the ninth cherry and is killed on the spot.

In heaven the two people meet, where the first person asks, "Why did you laugh, you could have gotten away?" "I saw the other guy come back with pineapples."

Crikey, that one as old when League of Gentlemen used it 15 years ago.

 

[Stevencc]

Crikey, that one as old when League of Gentlemen used it 15 years ago.

The classics never age!

 

[Whitechapel]

Crikey, that one as old when League of Gentlemen used it 15 years ago.

DO THE VOICE!

 

[Pliny Harris]

My mate drives limousines and when he gets a day off he'll drive me to work in one for a few quid.

Not much to chauffeur it.

 

[HertsWolf]

There are eleven types of people. Those that understand Roman numerals and those that don't.