The Joke thread

claret50

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A kid comes home from school and his grandad says "What did you do today,Lad?"

"I got a part in the school play.I'm playing a man who's been married for 29 years"

"Never mind,boy...you'll get a talking part next time"
 

Redpelt

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Yesterday I looked over the neighbours fence and she was out sunbathing in just a little red bikini ,"wow you look stunning" I said "do you know CPR" ,she giggled and said "why do I take your breath away ? " No" I said ,"Ive just run over your son."
 

Bobbin'

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Met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up going back to her house. After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa. She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs." I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other!"
 

Lowryman

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Paddy and Murphy are pretending to be deaf to claim disability benefit.

They get called in to the benefits office for a routine check.

Paddy gets called in first and as he walks in, the benefit officer asks him to shut the door behind him and he does.

" you lying bastard Paddy you could obviously hear me say shut the door, thats it your benefits are stopped"says the dole officer.

Paddy walks out gutted hes been caught out.As he does Murphy gets called in for his turn " whatever you do Murph" Paddy says " dont shut the door its a trap"

"Thanks for the tip Paddy" says Murphy

True enough as Murphy walks in the dole officer says
" please shut the door behind you"

Murphy looks straight at the dole officer and says. " shut it your fucking self".
 

Bobbin'

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My wife crashed her car yesterday. She told the police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a can at the time...

The police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own back garden!
 

Leo

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I saw this girl crying, so I asked what was wrong

"I split up with my boyfriend, because he's a sexist pig"

"I'm a great listener, if you want to tell me more," I replied

"You don't even know me" she cried, "why would you want to listen to me?"

"Because you have massive tits"
 

Leo

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Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!”


A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
 

Redpelt

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Murphy's wife has never had an orgasm , so they go to the Doctors. After tests the Doctor suggests that Murphy's wife may be overheating during sex.

Murphy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting, still no orgasm, so his friend suggests they swop. "I'll fuck her and you waft the towel Murphy". Murphy agrees and within seconds Murphy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best and 'only' orgasm ever. Murphy is delighted and proclaims loudly "and that my friend is how to waft a fecking towel."
 

Redpelt

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I was in a pub in town on Saturday night, I'd had a few drinks and was what can only be described as merry. I noticed two rather well built women sitting drinking at the bar and they both had strong accents I couldn't quite pick up on, so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them turned and screamed, "Its Wales, you fucking Dickhead!" I of course immediately apologised and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
 

The Iron

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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
 

Lowryman

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Fella gets a job in an asylum.

First night he's doing his rounds and he sees a man sitting in his bed making loud car noises , screeching roaring turning the steering wheel, changing gear and breaking etc,every car noise you can imagine.

He asks the patient ' what the fuck are you doing mate?

The patient looks up and says ' im driving my masserati'

"There is no car there, its in your imagination you stupid twat" he replies.

The man in the next bed says ' oi you, shut the fuck up will you, i get £10 a week for cleaning that car"
 

Redpelt

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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongoose ,Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "fuck me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife." Mongoose says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bluey says, "Where'd you get the grog, Mongoose?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongoose replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
'Well, not exactly', Mongoose says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you fucking are."
 

Leo

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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongoose ,Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "fuck me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife." Mongoose says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bluey says, "Where'd you get the grog, Mongoose?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongoose replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
'Well, not exactly', Mongoose says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you fucking are."
:lol:....A fucking belter. I was laughing by the time I read the three names ffs!
 

Redpelt

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A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I've got a problem with my sex-life." doctor says what's exactly the problem ?" man replies "well doctor, it's like this. I make love to my wife every morning before we get up and If I have time, we do it again before I leave for work. As soon as I arrive, I tear my secretary's clothes off and we set to in my office. At lunch I pop out and see my mistress, and we make love until I have to go back to the office, where my secretary is waiting, naked. After an end of the day blowjob from the receptionist I head home, where my wife is waiting to show me the lingerie she has bought to help tempt me into the evening of passion that awaits me"

Doctor says ," I'm perplexed ,just exactly what is your problem ?"
"Well," says the man, "it hurts when I masturbate."
 

Redpelt

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My mate said switching off his mother in laws life support machine was the most difficult thing he ever had to do.

He's obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint.
 

Redpelt

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Passenger plane out of control and hurtling towards the ground

Stewardess strips off and shouts

"Can any man on this plane make me feel like a real woman for the last time in my life"

Scouser jumps up - rips his shirt off- throws it at the stewardess and shouts

"Get that fucking ironed !"
 

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